Fuck appropriateness.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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