I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
