So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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