Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
