You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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