My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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