Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
