there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
