I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
