watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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