How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
