Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
