We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
