He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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