you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
