My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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