captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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