Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
