I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
