so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
