he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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