3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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