also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
