Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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