God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
