Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
