Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
