I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
