i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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