Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
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