I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
