Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
