she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
