I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
