When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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