Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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