apparently the secret to your success is patron
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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