Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
