I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will be naked everywhere
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
