and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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