My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
