Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
