Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
