Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she smelled like a LAN party
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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