my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
