bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
