he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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