I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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