There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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