I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
