I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
