life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
3pm strippers are depressing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
