your parents love me but you hate me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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