I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
