I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
