i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
