i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
