I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
