I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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