Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
