i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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